Facing the Shadow Self
Shadow work. You'll start to hear about it now that we are entering the 'darker months.' After the autumn equinox this Sunday, the nights slowly become longer, peaking at the Winter Solstice in December. It's a natural time to step into a reflective mood, look back on the year so far, and prepare for the final leg of 2024.
Darker nights usher us to candlelit cosy moments on the sofa and to tread through vibrant woodlands, or to gather around the table with loved ones and roast dinners. These experiences open up moments for reflection, and for some, an opportunity to let go of the past and to be in the present moment. Within that reflection, we're collectively encouraged to do shadow work.
What is shadow work?
The idea of our shadow selves was coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung defined the shadow as the part of ourselves we repress, deny, or are unaware of. The shadow often containings traits we consider undesirable. Shadow work helps us to acknowledge and accept these aspects, even when they are negative.
Jung highlighted the importance of integrating the shadow into one's conscious personality. It's about becoming aware of our hidden aspects and we are putting on a persona. Shadow work helps us to process all aspects of our emotions, which leads us to live an authentic life with healthy boundaries and personal growth.
For me, this looks like being incredibly mindful of my emotions, especially when they feel raw. Listening to that voice which feels sorry for myself, I notice what stories I tell. Usually they tell me I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, or that I'll never be successful. I note that self-limiting belief, ponder on where it comes from, and hold space for healing. I'll regulate my nervous system, talk to loved ones and feel what I need to feel. This has not been an overnight approach. It's taken a lot of therapy, consistency, a great support network, and forgiveness for myself. I don't seek to achieve 'happiness' as a goal - I understand feeling joy is an experience that comes along with feeling darker emotions too. I make space for them all.
Jung's work has hugely influenced therapeutic practices around the world, and I am eternally grateful. It's widely accepted as part of a spiritual path for personal growth and isn't something that is ever 'complete' or that can be fully quantified or measured. Integrating the shadow self into our whole person can help us to level up at various chapters of our lives, and continue to grow into emotionally intelligent and resilient people.
How do I know if I should do shadow work?
Shadow work is for everyone, and I believe it to be a lifelong endeavour. To embrace shadow work is to be open to all emotions. Knowing whether to embark on shadow work is a personal choice, but here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if shadow work might be helpful:
Do you feel like something is holding you back, but you can't pinpoint what it is?
Do you seek external validation, or hope you will be 'saved' by someone else?
Are there patterns in your life or relationships that keep repeating, causing frustration or pain?
Do you struggle with self-acceptance, self-love, or feeling worthy?
Are you experiencing emotional triggers or intense reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation?
Do you find it challenging to understand your own emotions, motivations, or behaviours?
Are you interested in personal growth, self-discovery, and healing past traumas?
Do you feel irrationally upset when a friend doesn’t reply quickly? Does a particular kind of criticism make you feel defensive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be a good idea to explore shadow work as a tool for personal growth and healing. It's important to remember that shadow work can be intense. It's an emotionally challenging process, so it's essential to be gentle with yourself and seek support.
What happens if you don't pursue shadow work?
Confronting our 'undesirable' self is hard. It causes a whole manner of emotions, memories and reactions to bubble to the surface. But to push these down, or ignore them entirely, will only stunt your ability to experience life to the fullest. Some focus on problem-solving, without addressing the underlying emotions, and hope their darker feelings change. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
It's easy to blame the actions of others for why your life isn't what you wanted. I used to be that person. I was trying my 'best' but things didn't work out for me, and I lacked the maturity to take accountability. Hopeless people seem to blame others for their misfortune. They could tap into their potential by accepting responsibility for their own lives, but it's their own choice and path to walk.
Avoiding shadow work, or only exploring it briefly, can lead you to unconsciously project your negative qualities onto others, leading to misunderstandings and conflict in relationships. It can make you feel stuck or stagnant in your personal growth, as you're not addressing underlying issues that hold you back. These people can see themselves as the victim as they repeat the same cycles.
Some will experience repeated patterns of behaviour or emotions that are hard to understand, which can lead to frustration, self-sabotage and even addictions. Overall, avoiding shadow work means you miss out on the opportunity to heal emotional wounds and traumas that may affect well-being and quality of life.
How to get started with shadow work
Starting your shadow work journey can be transformative, so hold on tight! Here are some steps you can take to begin exploring your unconscious mind:
Self-reflection: Set aside time each day for introspection and self-reflection. This can be through journaling, meditation, or simply taking quiet moments to contemplate your thoughts and feelings.
Identify triggers: Notice the situations, people, or emotions that provoke strong reactions or discomfort. These can provide clues about your shadow self and areas that need healing.
Explore your dreams: Pay attention to your dreams, as they often contain valuable insights about your subconscious mind. Consider keeping a dream journal and reflecting on any recurring themes or symbols.
Seek guidance: Consider working with a therapist, coach, or spiritual mentor who can provide support and guidance as you navigate your shadow work journey.
Engage in creative expression: Artistic activities such as painting, writing, or dance can help you access your subconscious mind and process your emotions.
Remember that shadow work can be an emotionally challenging process, so be gentle with yourself and seek support when needed.
How to take care of yourself when shadow work gets tough
Shadow work is not an easy path to tread. When we hold space for our dark emotions, we must also make space for nourishing baths, a good diet, and plenty of rest. Lower expectations on yourself, accepting you cannot be fully productive. Honour your right to space to process. Ask for help and let trusted ones know what you are doing. My booklet, Rituals to Release Anxiety, contains many practices to support you on a shadow work journey.
Shadow work involves deep self-reflection, journaling, meditation, and therapy. I highly recommend fortifying your shadow work with a therapist, coach, or spiritual guide. You can also seek guidance through tarot, meditation, yoga, or any other method that supports you to dive deep into your subconscious mind.
I've naturally explored much of my shadow work through the gift of tarot. Journalling difficult moments in my life helped me to see patterns and behaviours, and are fascinating to look back on. And when things feel too intense, I put on comfy clothes, drink soothing camomile tea, and cry it out.
Confronting your hidden emotions, fears, and traumas will take time and the journey is far from linear. Allow yourself the grace you deserve to continue on this journey, recognising that over time, you can master your own emotions and live life authentically.
Where does the shadow come from?
Many believe that shadow is born in our early childhood. We are born as pure beings, but we learn that some parts of ourselves are shameful, cause anger or are deserving of punishment. Naturally, this often start in the home with how your family responds to you. Generationally, expectations, behaviours and parts of our shadow are passed down. Some lineages have deeper shadows than others. Unfortunately, my family was of such ilk. It’s led me on this path to deeper understanding, which I am grateful for.
As we grow, we can repress parts of ourselves, especially when we don't feel secure in the home. And even those with a ‘perfect upbringing’ will also go through these experiences. When we go out into the real world as adults our shadow selves can be further compounded. I believe our shadow selves are trying to protect us, but they lack the emotional intelligence of our higher selves. They seek for us to repress ourselves for safety, but this only leads to issues.
Examples of what can cause our shadow selves to take hold:
Financial issues in the home- exacerbated by how the parent or caregiver talks about and reacts to money issues. Asking or requiring financial support can lead to shame.
Shamed for being caught masturbating or expressing sexual interests, causing repression of desires
Being bullied at school or in the home
Being gaslit by people you trust
Religious trauma, e.g. having your personal beliefs being used against you
Romantic rejection
Being denied space to feel your emotions from a young age
High academic expectations, or expected to be ‘perfect’
Experiences like this are common, and teach an innocent mind to unconsciously hide parts of themselves. We build coping mechanisms to survive, which can allow the shadow self to grow. Over time, it shows up in moments that don't feel authentic, perhaps from an angry outburst or self sabotage.
The more we repress or resist something, the bigger and louder it tends to make itself, even if it's just in our minds. Our shadows are deeply rooted but deserve to be accepted and integrated as parts of our whole self. Only then, can we release the cycles and patterns that hold us back.
My experience with shadow work
In my life, I've had moments where I am so overcome with what my shadow work surfaced, I've needed time away from work to deeply rest, go to therapy, and journal my heart out. Society doesn't often allow us to take the time we need to work on ourselves. I’ve taken the financial hit to step back from work, knowing when it wasn’t feasible. I’ve lived close to burnout throughout these moments. But, I don't think we should avoid connecting to our deeper selves just because the rhythm of capitalism thrums. There has to be a point where we collectively raise our consciousness and there are ways to carve out space.
After years of shadow work, I can sit comfortably within negative emotions and fully explore what's happening. After stepping back from corporate life fully, it's not difficult to see how much calmer things are for me, not having a busy commute, a lot of food prep, and monitoring multiple inboxes, calendars, travel plans, etc. In recent weeks, I've noticed gentle but powerful releases from my psyche. From ways of thinking and deep beliefs, I know I've come far, and have much further to go.
Closing thoughts and journal prompts
I don't think we can do shadow work once or twice in our lives and master it. It's a continual approach we take to understand ourselves, our emotions, and how trauma shows up. It can help us take accountability in our lives and know where to set boundaries. The path ahead is far from clear. We have to hack back the brambles ourselves, which is hard work. You can get scratched and held back as you go through, but eventually the path widens and our capacity to live authentically expands.
No matter where you are on your journey, keep taking it one step at a time. Written below are a series of journal prompts for you to explore your shadow self. Take your time, this is not a process to rush.
What is one aspect of yourself that you struggle to accept or acknowledge?
Write about a time when you felt triggered or experienced intense emotions. What were the underlying thoughts and feelings that led to this reaction?
What are your deepest fears? How do they impact your daily life?
Imagine having a conversation with your shadow self. What would you say to each other?
Think about a person who bothers you. What qualities in this person trigger you the most? How do these qualities reflect aspects of your shadow self?
What are some recurring themes or symbols in your dreams? How do they relate to your waking life?
Write a letter to your younger self, offering guidance and support through a difficult time in your life.
